selfish

This morning, I realized that, recently the only time I've been spending with my Savior is in selfish prayer. I've had such a hard, stressful, emotional October but I haven't gone to Him for comfort. I've been depending on the love of my husband, the support of my family, and a warm hug of a close friend. It isn't first instinct for me to go to God for the support, love, and acceptance. I only talk to him when I need something, when I know he can intervene and make everything better. I pray things like, God please allow healing and in Josh's family and give is wife a sense of peace. God please let the insurance company total my car so that Matt and I don't have to worry about fixing it and selling it. God please let me get an A on this exam even though I didn't study enough for it. God please please please let Kay Jewelers make an exception for me or let my record show an inspection within the last 6 months even though I know I haven't been there, God you can work magically and fix this. God give me strength to get out of bed and go to work/school this morning.

November and Thanksgiving are just around the corner, and I need to make a change in my relationship with God. I need to thank Him for everything I have, and get in the habit of counting and focusing on my blessings. I have so many things to be thankful for by my first instinct is to focus on the negatives. There have been so many negatives this month. Here's to positives and a positive attitude in November.

go away satan

For those of you reading this who are in the mood for an uplifting or encouraging story... stop now.
Throughout October the Bailys have been feeling satan's attacks. I feel so emotionally exhausted, just completely spent. This "season" of our life has been wearing me down day by day little by little; to the point were I wonder where the strength for tomorrow will come.
My schedule is challenging to say the least. 15 credits of nursing classes plus keeping up with the paperwork, studying and assignments take up the majority of my time. Add 36 hours of work a week and I'm down to one day off. Six days a week on average 10 hours a day of my time is spent at the hospital. Sunday is officially my only day with nothing scheduled; one glorious day of rest.
Matt works full time which usually means fitting shifts in at 16 hours at a time or picking up overnights. Paramedic school at HACC takes up the rest of his time with 8-12 hours of class a week plus 12 or more hours clinical a week. He also has only one day off, Sunday. Thankfully our days off coincide and we get a few precious hours together.
Two weekends ago my diamond fell out of my engagement ring. On no fault of their own the company told us the warranty doesn't apply because I didn't have to ring in recently to be inspected. I irresponsibly didn't read the warranty fine print that said that without regular inspection Kay will not replace the gem. I guess we wait a few years and buy a new one.
Friday night one of Matt's good friends was in a motorcycle accident. You have to know Josh to understand why many of us weren't all that shocked to hear what happened; he was a daredevil. That doesn't mean we weren't heart broken for his wife. He wasn't wearing a helmet and his injuries were so bad, he died before EMS even got there. The worst part is he was driving around to tell people that he and his wife just found out they were expecting. He was a great guy, a little rough around the edges, but he will be missed. 
Saturday night I was driving home from a long 12 hour shift at work and I hit a deer. I wasn't hurt but my car definitely was. The whole front end and everything just inside the bumper will need replaced. The insurance company is coming by Thursday, God willing it should be completely covered.
Needless to say I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps. I didn't even think I had enough energy to get out if bed. I feel so overwhelmed. All i can focus on is a line in a song we sang yesterday "If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? Then what could stand against?" Thank you God Almighty for being in control of the unknown in my life; lead me on. 

last weekend

last weekend was both wonderful and horrible.

horrible because the diamond fell out of my engagement ring and the jeweler won't replace it. apparently it has to be inspected every 6 months for their insurance policy to apply. wish i had known that.

wonderful because my beautiful roommate Breanne celebrated her bridal shower and bachlorette party. november 13th she will be married and i so happy for her.

secrets

I recently got an email entitled "10 Secrets of a Successful Marriage" and I immediatly wondered why they called them secerts. I wish these "secrets" that seem like common sense to me were applied to more marriages. Maybe the divorce rate in the US wouldn't be >50%.



My favorite "secret" was this: "Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges, bringing up the past and remember that they married an imperfect person - and so did their spouse." I think I liked this one so much because recently Matt and I have been discussing some things that we could easily hold against one another. And it has been a battle in the mind, at least for me. Its sad that Satan can so easily make my mind wander and cause me assume the worst of Matt. Why isn't it easier to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust his heart?



A simple, yet surprisingly difficult, principle to follow at least over the first 15 months of my marriage. I have to consciously make an effort to trust him.

emergency room

Today was 12 hours spent in the emergency room's psych patient monitoring room. I am half thankful because it allowed me 12, mostly uninterrupted hours to study for my pediatrics exam on Wednesday. However I am also half sad because of what I saw today. Obviously I can't disclose any identifying patient information but I don't think describing the type of patients does any harm.

A 55 year old women brought herself in after feeling very depressed over the past month or so. She said it culminated in a fight she had with her husband over the past few days, and afterwards she was left with ideas of suicide. She was very hard to read, her face seemed blank. She stared at the walls and said only a hand full of words to me over the intercom system. She didn't ask to call her family members, and no one showed up to support her. She left with EMS and went alone to an inpatient psych hospital that was better equipped to treat her. She looked like a worn out rag, overused and abused.

A 18 year old young man was brought in by his parents. They claimed that when he gets angry he becomes uncontrollable. A recent fit, started by his broken down car, became so out of control that he threatened both his parents saying he was on the brink of a "murdurous rampage." He has had anger problems since 2007 when his parents split and ultimately divorced. Adding on top of that he just graduated from high school and didn't pass the necessary entrance exams for the NAVY. Disappointment was written on his face.

A 15 year old girl came in with her mother claiming that she felt worthless and that "no one would miss her." She was dumped by her boyfriend of 1 month in July and since she had tried several times to kill herself. She jumped into traffic, took pills, and tried to suffocate herself. She came in dressed in a completely inapproprate outfit and her mother just rolled her eyes at most everything she said. I think she was just looking for attention in all the wrong places.

I sat there and watched them, as an employee of the hospital, to keep them safe. However I left feeling guilty because I know all they need is a savior to show them they're unique, loved, and designed for a purpose. Sometimes I feel like they do, lost and alone in this harsh cold world. I long for deeper relationships and meaning in my life, but I know I have the unconditional love of a savior to fall back on. There is a God who loves me so much that he can catch me when I feel desperate and remind me that I was put here on this earth for a purpose. My purpose is to tell them what I know and how they can receive such JOY. I can't imagine what it would feel like to not have God on my side.

Their life is too short to not tell them of the Joy I find in Jesus.